Tell the true or keep the peace?
Welcome back!
“You cannot solve any problem with the same mind that created it” ~ Albert Einstein. This quote reminds me of my mother.
A few weeks ago my mother brought up something from our past. My mother said: “When you confronted us 15 years ago, one of the things you said were we treated your brother much better then you! And you believed that it was because we favorite the boy. And I have been thinking about that ever since. I want you to know that I didn’t treat him better than you. When I was growing up your Grandma would come home from the market with a small amount of beef for your uncle and she would instruct my sister and I to cook the beef. Then at dinner we all watch our brother eat beef while we eat potato. I made sure you were allowed to eat the same food as your brother!”
As I listen to my mother, inside my head I just got the confirmation that I knew all along: my mother has no ideal what equal treatments means? Although she might have made sure my brother and I got the same food, but that is the extended of her knowledge.
My mother continues the conversation and she said, “What did I do that was so bad?”
So, in my most clam voice I responded with, “You told me that my 10 finger were sewn together and that is why I can’t do anything! You also said if you knew it was me that was inside you when you were pregnant; you would choose to have a piece of BBQ pork instead! Another thing that you said was the only way - I could make a living was laying on my back!”
I can see my mother’s defensive system lighting up. She said, “I never said your 10 finger were sewn together, that is something I said to myself! And I never said anything about the BBQ pork!”
My father said to my mother, “You probability did say the BBQ thing, it was a figure of speech that we used.”
My mother quickly said, “I would never say that thing about you being on your back! I am not a person with such anger!”
She was looking at me waiting for me to answer her; I can see she wanted me to re write the history for her. She wanted me to tell her what happened didn’t happen.
Once again in my most clam voice I answered. I told her that I believe that she is not a person filled with anger. However, together she and I got to that level.
My mother quickly replied, “That was because you were very bad! You didn’t listen…I needed you to keep working at our store and you kept running to the records store down the street to hang out with the kids!”
I gave it a quick thought and I repeated myself to her, “I believe that you are not a person filled with anger. However, together you and I got to that level.
She got quite and some how we started to talk about something else and that was the end of that.
None the less, it was clear to me that my mother still have a long way to go in her understanding of what happen. So, this is where I asked myself “How far do I want to take this with her?” Personally I have been in complete peace with the past; I understood she did what she knows. Now, the only thing left was for her to come to peace with the past. How much of that can I help her?
I got the feeling she is not at peace and if for her to find peace means - I have to lie and tell her what she wanted to hear!? Right now, I am not that big of a person! And I don’t know if I would ever be that big. Even if I could lie to give her peace…should I?
Giovanna Garcia
Imperfect Action is better than No Action
Other related post by Giovanna
Peeling the onion - Be True to myself.
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Hi Gio .. that is so difficult to answer .. - do you agree with her as such - so that she can feel more at peace .. her time was very different to our time now .. perhaps you need to explore why it’s worrying her .. it’s her ‘headache’ that the both of you need to clarify & try to put to rest - maybe not sort. Good luck - distance doesn’t help in these circumstances - I sincerely hope you can resolve her issue - Hilary
Hi Hilary
Thanks for the well wishes. I think she can’t bear the thought that she did those things!? The question is what is more important to stuck to the true to give her peace?
Thanks for the comment, and adding to this post.
Giovanna Garcia
Imperfect Action is better than No Action
Giovanna,
I went through a similar thing at one point in my life with my mother. However, I decided the past was past and it didn’t matter as I love me and in an imperfect world we sometimes must walk forward leaving somethings unanswered. She has the guilt and you must let her know you don’t acknowledge it at all so that she might find peace within herself. Find peace with her and you are the bigger person!! ~Victoria~
Hi Victoria
Thanks for sharing your story with me. Yes, I did and again told my mother that I understand she did what she knows and I no longer have any feeling about the past any more. I have forgave the past years ago and had told both my parents about it. My father seens to have move past it as I did. My mother on the other hand is …you read the story.
I agree the past was the past it didn’t matter anymore. I am at total peace with the past.
The question is do I give her the chance to walk her path and work thought her issuess or should I tell her the lies she want to hear “It didn’t happen!?”
Giovanna Garcia
Imperfect Action is better than No Action
Hi Giovanna,
I think being true to yourself is the answer. You know it happened. There’s no need to lie. Our mothers are grown women, and therefore over time will come to peace with this. If you’re like me, the little voice inside me is saying I’ve got to help Mom in some way. Instead of lying to help bring her peace to the situation, I’d tell her “it happened, it’s in the past, and I FORGIVE you.” Her defensiveness about the past is probably because of a little guilt that she feels and she just needs to know that you still love her and forgive her.
I hope this helps. It’s helped me in the past with similiar situations with my parents. Sending lots of Love and Positive energy your way.
Many Blessings….Roxanne
~ Believe Achieve ~
Giovanna…I love the idea of “imperfect action is better than no action.”
First of all, to give peace, I believe you must have it yourself. So, whatever action you take must first give you peace.
Peace to you and all you hold dear,
CG
Hi Giovanna,
I really like what Roxanne has said above. This is your life, and by giving in, could you be letting feelings of the past flood back in - feelings you don’t need or deserve?
Giovanna, I wish you the best in all of this. I can imagine this is a difficult spot to be in, and know that you deserve much goodness and love.
I’m sorry Giovanna - I know what you are feeling, not in the same context but similar. What you are asking your mother to do is to agree to something that she feels extremely guilty for. Your reality and your mother’s reality will never be the same. I’m not sure you will ever hear what you are looking for, even with your calm, soft voice.
Something I always tell my clients when they begin their journey to self-awareness is, no matter what you uncover, the past is the past and nobody is to be blamed including your parents. Our parents did the best they could with the tools that were given to them. Put yourself in your mother’s shoes during her early childhood development. I’m certain it was not a fun, nor an easy tim period for anybody seeking individuality - back in those days you became a product of your environment and you conformed to social norms.
I have no relationship with my parents right now - But I know I will in due time. I know my parents are not acting according to their own will, but rather to the will of a collective society. It’s sad but true and in many cultures it is reality.
I have something that will help you forgive and forget even without your mother validating your thoughts.
Hi Giovanna,
First of all, congratulations on the courage to blog about this. Relationships between mothers and daughters can be very emotional and difficult. I went through a period with my mum about ten years ago where we were both hurting and over-sensitive to the other person, and I can understand a little of what you’re going through.
Your willingness to face the issue is already half the battle won. Love will see you the rest of the way. My best wishes are with you as you continue this journey with your mum.
By the way, I love your blog motto. I was just thinking that maybe it applies to relationships too: an imperfect relationship with your mum is better than no relationship. I lost my dad last year, and wish so very much that we could still have all the conversations we didn’t have while he was alive. Now I cherish my mum a lot more.
Hi Hugo & Roxanna
I know my mother needs to walk her path as much as I needed to walked mine. I have told her in the pass and again that I forgave the past. I think she may need to be OK with more than just my peace. I am supportive of her to work on things whenever she is willing. And I will be there for her whenever she needs me to be on this. But in the end I agree with you, our mother needs to find their own peace.
Thank You for your loving support.
Giovanna Garcia
Imperfect Action is better than No Action
Hi CG
Thanks for your word of wisdom
I totally agree with you, that we can give what we don’t have. However, just becasue I have it and I can give it. It is still a responsibility. If I give peace by giving the lie that she wants to hear, then I take away her chances to work things out and come to her own peace.
Thanks for your comment and support.
Giovanna Garcia
Imperfect Action is better than No Action
Hi Lance
Thanks for your support. Yes, I have earn my Power back years ago and I am not going to let that go. Beside, if I give her the lie that she wants. I would be doing it out of the wrong reason, and knowing the value of work through issues. I would be take that priceless experience from her.
Thanks for your input and support.
Giovanna Garcia
Imperfect Action is better than No Action
Hi Bruno
Thanks for sharing your story with me
I have found my peace and understand with the past years ago. I don’t feel the need to talk about the past, it was just interesting that she did. Which tells me she needed to work on somethings, when she switch the topic I didn’t push. Things will unfold however it will unfold. I just wish my mother to have peace. That is something that only she can work on, and I am here for her whenever she is willing.
Thanks for your kind words and support. I appreciate you
Giovanna Garcia
Imperfect Action is better than No Action
Hi Giovanna. Only the truth can bring real peace. However, not everybody is willing to accept the truth. By you realizing that she did the only thing she knew to do you are doing well. You have learned some humility with some listening and that has brought you peace. Learning some healthy assertive skills to go along with your humility and listening can really make a huge difference in situations like this. These two guest posts I have written may be especially helpful
http://www.positivityblog.com/index.php/2008/05/05/six-steps-to-become-assertive-and-nice/
http://www.jungleoflife.com/2008/12/02/a-simple-holiday-and-life-hack/
Even though I don’t know the full story, I’m going to playing devil’s advocate a little bit here…
Giovanna, if you were truly at peace with the past, would the “lie” be such an issue for you now?
Speaking from my own experience with painful words… the sting remains until there is complete peace. When there is complete peace, the words no longer matter because forgiveness has wiped the slate clean.
One time I remember there was no pain at all and it felt natural to tell the other person “Oh I was hurt at the time, but really I know you didn’t mean it in that way and perhaps it was me that misunderstood you”. There is another incident where I know I could not say that today because my forgiveness of it is not yet complete.
Your mother does need to walk her own path… but (devil’s advocate), perhaps part of her path includes being the person in your life who is there for you to practice the “lie” (so long as it is with integrity to yourself) and so relieve her of some pain which may then help her work things out at some deeper level. It’s not really a lie you know because although the words were said, they were said in her reality which is a different reality to the one you were in when you heard them.
With close family members, my rule of thumb of knowing that my forgiveness is complete is when I can let them have their say - even if it is drivel - without having to feel my point of view is being overlooked. And oddly enough, when I am able to do this, they let go too.
Or they go off and do the same thing again… which means they are still learning their life lessons.
I hope this makes sense and sorry for going on a bit!
GG you are amazing there are no rules, right/wrong, just be and let be
Hi Giovanna
I’m in a similar boat at the moment. I’m doing quite a bit of work on my past and my relationship with my mother. Just looking at it is not easy, so I admire your openness.
I am not nearly as far down the road as you, as I have not addressed anything directly with my mother - that is a long way off. At the moment I stear clear of anything that broaches sensitive topics with her. It’s not lying, but it is not keeping the peace either.
How often do the difficult subjects arise with your mom? Can you veer away from it rather than either have to lie or confront?
I don’t think you can really help her with her process. As they say, you can bring a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. You’ve opened the door, but the next step is hers.
I’m thinking of you,
Juliet
Hi Daphne
Thank you for so much for sharing you stroy with me, and I am sorry for your lost. I have been free from the past for years, and I wish for the same for my mother. I feel that the relationship with my mother is where they should be right now. I am at peace with it, I just hope that my mother will be at peace someday. Because, right now it doesn’t matter how many time I said I forgave the past. What my mother needs is for her to forgive the past herself.
Thanks for your comment and support. And yes, the good thing about imperfect is that their are a lot of room for grow
Giovanna Garcia
Imperfect Action is better than No Action
Hi Reeta
I like your input because I have thought about this in the same light.
It is because I am at peace, which gives me the ability to ‘lie” if I choose to. I call it ‘Lie’ because of my integrity. And if I give her the peace that she wants which is telling her lie, wouldn’t I be taking away her chance to work through her own issues? I once read that each one of us are responsible and have our own rights to sweep our side of the street. Would telling her the lie be the same as taking on her side of the street?
Giovanna Garcia
Imperfect Action is better than No Action
Hi Natasha
Thank you for that! I am doing just that “just be and let be” Thanks for your comment, it means a lot to me.
Giovanna Garcia
Imperfect Action is better than No Action
Hi Juliet
She had never talked about this before. When I confronted my parents 15 years ago, I had already come to the understand they did what they know. And I had told them it was forgiving. My father had no problem admitting what he did. My mother on the other hand got very defensive and was very upset about it. I never talked about it after that, because I didn’t nees her to admit to anything for me to be at peace. Therefore, I move on. She and I continue our relationship like that conversation never happen.
It wasn’t until this time when she bring it up. Part of me like to believe may be this is a sign that she is moving toward working on this herself?
Good luck with her journey on working on thing with your mother, I am here if you ever wants to talk
Giovanna Garcia
Imperfect Action is better than No Action
I think it’s different because she does not know about that type of personal responsibility yet.
If she understood that she’s creating her own guilt, it would be different. To me, she sounds as if she is in need of some guidance. And I think you are skilled enough to guide her into awareness in a way that allows her to keep her dignity. Who knows… maybe she feels second best to her brother and is struggling with her own issues.
Hi Giovanna,
I’ve never seen much of a point in lying to tell someone & telling them just what they want to hear–I find that in the past, when I have done that it didn’t really solve anything and often times made situations worse. Sometimes, I find that in telling someone what they don’t want to hear helps them in the long run.
Giovanna, I wish you the best in all of this.
Good luck to your mom for forgiving herself of the past.
Hi Jennifer
Thanks for your comment. The only truth is our own truth and my truth has giving me my serenity and empowerment. Thanks for sharing your two guest posts, they are both very well readied.
Giovanna Garcia
Imperfect Action is better than No Action
Hi Reeta
I agree with you. I believe that the real issues are how she views herself. How she feel about her vs. her brother or man!? How she said she says to herself “her ten figures are sewn together…” All of that are reflections of her struggle with her value.
I have a feeling this could be the beginning of her walking down her own path of her healing.
I am open and am listening for her next conversation about things. She may want my help or she may choose to work with someone else.
I am waiting to see how this unfolds.
Thanks for the conversation with me on this, it means a lot to me
Giovanna Garcia
Imperfect Action is better than No Action
Hi Nancy
Thanks for joining in the conversation on this with me. I like what you said about, “telling someone what they don’t want to hear helps them in the long run.”
Thanks for the wisdom
Giovanna Garcia
Imperfect Action is better than No Action
I don’t believe that lying to your mother will help her find her peace. Because by lying she really isn’t changing her mind, her perception of what was happening and what is right. This issue or something similar would probably come up in a conversation again, and she still wouldn’t understand, she wouldn’t be at peace. You are not talking only about one conversation, but about a treatment, something that left a trace in you, in your life. You are already a big person; telling her “it’s ok” won’t change the past, neither will her belief of it. She is the one who should try to be a “big” person by understanding you. But ones belief can only be changed by that person. If she was in your place and told you she understood just to give you a piece of mind, do you think it would really help?
Hi Stella
I agree! If I tell her the lie that she needs to hear, than I am enabling her. And standing in her way of her path to recovery.
I will continue to be me and let her be her, when she is really to work on things. I will be here to support her.
Thank you, for your comment and support to me. It means a lot to me.
Giovanna Garcia
Imperfect Action is better than No Action
Hi Giovanna,
I think you should believe in your heart. Do whatever your heart said. I had an experience a long time ago, when I did something not in accordance with my heart, I felt deep regrets.
Wish you all the best.
What courage you show by sharing this with us. I encourage you to remain being youself and not enabling her behavior. It is the only path that leads to true love. Please contine to share, we will continue to listen, and help when we can. Thank you for sharing!
Hi Arswino
Thanks for the advice, I agree with you
listen to my heart is the best thing to do. I believe my heart knows.
Thank you for your comment and sharing your own feelings with me.
Giovanna Garcia
Imperfect Action is better than No Action
Hi Jay
Yes, I know what you means by not enabling her. She is responsible and have the rights to sweep her side of the street. I am not going to take that away from her.
Thank you for your comment and you support, that means a lot to me.
Giovanna Garcia
Imperfect Action is better than No Action
The truth will set you free. This is from the bible. We can be talking to people and they will not hear what we are saying and have a complete misunderstanding of what we are saying. So is life. If you are at Peace, that is the most important thing. Your mother may never understand and who knows what she may have experienced while she was a child that has affected her as a parent. Love conquers all. Jacques
Hi Jacques
Just your words alone gives out peace. I can feel it as I was reading it. Thank You for your input, you have added more vaule to me day.
Thank You,
Giovanna Garcia
Imperfect Action is better than No Action
It is so wonderful to see that you know that you are not your past. That you are good enough, that you are not a failure, that you are worth something. I do not think it is about being a bigger person and telling your mother what she want to hear because her reality is what she believes and your reality is what you believe. I think if you are truly at peace with what happened in your past the only way to move forward with the relationship between you and your mother is to stand by what you say but also tell your Mother that you forgive her and that you love her, only then will your past not have controll over you. Stop giving your past any Power, once your past has no power it will no longer pop in to your head with thoughts of inadequacy.
Marty Baker
Hi Marty
Yes, I have long been at peace with my past, and I have expressed to both my parents that I have forgive them. It was just interesting that she brought it up, and I have a feeling that this could mean that she is finally ready to work on somethings…
This is her path that she is going to have to walk, I will be happy to help her discover her truth. If and when she needs me.However, I will not be telling her what she wants to hear.
Thank You for your comment, hope to see you here again.
Giovanna Garcia
Imperfect Action is better than No Action
I am an only child and I feel that my mother loved my enemies much better than she loved me.. If there was two sides to take in any issue she would take the one that opossed me.. That made me into a really tough stubborn guy that would fight a buzz saw before I would give an inch.. She regressed in later years into a step above a vegtable before she died.. I loved her but we never really liked each other. I Vowed not to put up with a nagging woman.. When each of my three wifes nagged I left home. I finely found happiness with my new faimly of 6 dogs, 3 cats and a goat. If I wanted sex, I would find a woman, if I want love, my dogs work well. Forgiving doesn’t mean that I have grown stupid, it means that the past is the past and my new bonderies establish my comfort zone. My mother found confort being a vegtable, and I found comfort not putting up with what I don’t like.. Take a lesson if you can find one.
I believe the truth is what sets people free, so I would agree that lying would not solve anything. I hope that your mom will come to a place of being able to work through past issues and find peace. You’re right in that she was only doing what she knew how to do when raising you. I think many of us would agree that there are choices we’ve made at various points in our lives that we wish we could go back and change. Unfortunately, some people never grow to the point where they realize they made mistakes and others let the pain of guilt and shame keep them from moving on. I made a choice a long time ago to not live as a victim of all of the bad things I went through as a child and a young adult. I have total peace and freedom (thank you, Lord!) that many people who’ve experienced similar things (rape, mental and physical abuse from my ex-husband, frequently painful words from parents, being the product of a failed abortion, etc) never find. My prayers go out to you and your family that all concerned will walk in the freedom and peace that comes from confronting and overcoming the past so that you can walk in victory now and in your future! Thanks for sharing…
Hi Fred
I am happy for you that you found your comfort zone. A funny thing about comfort zone is that we can expand our comfort zone whenever we are willing to have a bigger comfort zone. Or it can stay the same size if you choose, because it is your comfort zone.
Thank you for your comment.
Giovanna Garcia
Imperfect Action is better than No Action
Hi Sandi
Thank You so much for sharing with me your story on your recovery and your journey. You help to inspire everyone here made a choice to no longer allow their past to control them.
Thank You, for your comment and you has also added value to this post. I wish to get to know you better, and I hope to see you here again
Giovanna Garcia
Imperfect Action is better than No Action